“Spewing gore-soaked foetuses from tentacled wombs and scaring kids straight with “faceless boys,” The Art Of Bleeding make first aid fun!

Far from being a new age Red Cross The Art of Bleeding turns straitlaced safety education on its head, and hits the audience with half-naked naughty nurses soaked in animal blood, inflatable foetuses and fucked-up puppet shows. “

That’s my baby! My fiancee has now been shown to the world via Bizarre magazine. They’ve run a story on Art of Bleeding that features my girl in the flesh, surrounded by blood, zombies, fetuses, apes, robots, and the rest of the crew. It’s amusing since that was the first and only time she’s gotten so nude with them, and there just happened to be a photographer there and a magazine article in the works.

I got more photos of bloody zombie nurses here and here

Zombies and Haitian Law
A law that seems to condemn zombie creation went into effect in Haiti in 1835. Article 246 of the Haitian Penal Code classifies the administration of a substance that creates a prolonged period of lethargy without causing death as attempted murder. If the substance causes the appearance of death and results in the burial of the victim, the act is classified as murder.

When I think back onto all the times I was injured as a child, all the pogoballs that sent me head over heels over fences, all the skateboards that sent me out of control into traffic, all the games we invented like “Smeer” and “Combat Basketball” and “Knockdown Tag”, and just in general all the times something gushed blood, sprayed acid, caught fire, electrocuted me, or exploded, my heart fills with joy. Those were not only good times, those were the best times. And look at me, I grew up to be succesfully employed in the blood and tombstone business. Whats more, I pity any child who makes it to adolescence without running away from a game crying, bruised or bleeding. My mom always told me “Alls fun until someone looses an eye” but then Uncle Jack would take out his glass eye and drop it into her tea, she’d scream, we’d laugh, and the fun didn’t stop just because someone got impaled by a metal spike in the eye when he was a boy.
With that in mind, and with help from “World Against Toys Causing Harm” (WATCH) I bring you the Best Christmas Toys of 2005.

5.(tie) FANTASTIC 4 ELECTRONIC THING HANDS

and CAMOUFLAGE WATER BOMB FUN KIT

I enjoyed toys like these about equally when I was a kid, so I’m not sure which to rank higher. Neighter seem very deadly, but I’m going to have to give favor to the sling shot, because according to WATCH “at least 13 states proscribe the use, possession and/or sale of such dangerous weaponry.” That puts it on equal ground with a switchblade, yet I somehow can’t picture Bart Simpson or Dennis the Mennace with a switchblade and still being loveable.

4. THE LORD OF THE RINGS - RETURN OF THE KING URUK-HAI CROSSBOW SET INCLUDING ELECTRONIC LIGHT ‘N’ SOUND STING SWORD

“shoot “arrows” over thirty feet with “3 power settings”! Despite the “soft tips” on the ammunition, the arrows are catapulted by the crossbow at high velocity, and users are cautioned not to “aim at eyes or face” ” However, children are not given any instruction what so ever whether they should light the foam tips on fire a’la Rambo and lay siege to their school.

3. SHOCKING TANKS

Now here’s a toy that wants you to get hurt. The game s simple, two players armed with remote control tanks play a game of laser tag. The catch is, whenever a tank gets hit, it’s RC controller sends out a painful electrical charge into the hands of the player who got served.

2. STAR WARS - REVENGE OF THE SITH ENERGY BEAM BLASTER

Basically by “Energy Beam Blaster” they mean assault riffle loaded with silly string. I am so down with getting one of these just based on that. But wait, it gets better, “Do not leave in direct sunlight or store in hot vehicle”, since doing so can “cause can to burst violently.” Awesome! As a young pyrochemist I know I would have done everything in my power to try and get these things to explode including cooking them in the microwave and strapping m-80s to them, and playing a game of fizzball (which is basically baseball, except you use a can of soda instead of a ball, these days I use beer, just as foamy explody and shrapnelly, but not so sticky)

1. KICKAROOS ANTI-GRAVITY BOOTS

If fun and concushions had a form, it would be these boots. Just look at them. I love this quote from WATCH “The manufacturer’s safety instructions include the unrealistic directive to “always remain in control of your motions”" That’s frickin sweet.

This weekend was my first big Christmas Shopping weekend, and after 5 hours of listening to the sugar plum sweet sounds of the season, I needed an insulin shot. Not only are the classics unbearably sentimental and cheesy, but I can’t even relate to them - I’m a California boy, there’s no such thing as a “White Christmas” out here. Still, I like having appropriately seasonal music for my christmas parties, tree trimmings, and present rapping sessions, so below I’ve published my list of off-beat songs for the Christmas Season.

The Residents – Santa Dog and Dumbo the Clown
Classic. Perhaps the strangest Christmas songs of all time.
They Might Be Giants – The Bells are Ringing
Explores the connections between xmas music and mind control
Oingo Boingo – The Cat is Dead
A sweet childrens chorus delighting in their tale of offing every member of the family
Akira Soundtrack - Dolls Polyphony
Music from a scene in the film when dolls and teddy bears magically come to life only to latter attack. Sweet, childish, and creepy all at the same time.
Danny Elfman – Nightmare Before Xmas and Edward Scissorhands soundtracks
Aphex Twin – Girl/Boy Song
There something classically Christmas to this song, and then there are breakbeats. Perfect for breakdancers out on the promenade at Christmas.
Perrey Kingsley – Baroque Hoedown
Classic moog experimental cheesiness makes the perfect soundtrack for toystores
lHans Reichel – Bubu and his Friends, and Street Song
A jolly little jingle played on a wooden daxophone. What’s a daxophone you say? I’m glad you asked
King Missile – The Bunny Who Wanted to be a Rat
A Christmas wish to eat garbage and spread disease
Cibo Mato – The Candy Man
We all know this one from the original Willy Wonka movie, but Cibo Mato make it sound so sexy.
Wesley Willis – Chicken Cow
About a mythological beast that only comes out in the dead of winter and can flap like a bird and stab you in the ass
Tom Waits or Ghost of the Robot – Chocolate Jesus
Let’s take the two things everyone likes about Christmas and hold our Christmas mass in a candy store.
Traditional -Carol of the Bells
No other traditional carol expresses the anxiety I feel at Christmas so well.
The A-team – Christmas Claws
Screaming hardcore that’s hard to figure out, but they do yell Christmas a couple times, so it counts. “ho ho ho fucking ho”
Run DMC- Christmas in Hollis
Too christmasy to be cool, too old school to be cheesy.
Baboon Torture Division – Cobras
A track composed entirely with a rewired singing santa doll. Sounds like the devil.
Dresden Dolls- Coin Operated Boy
Finally a sex doll for girls.
Cowboy Bebop soundtrack– Green Bird
Sounds like a traditional religious choir, but was specifically compossed for a scene of brutal mob violence. Why do these two great tastes taste so great together?
Pogues- Fairytale of New York
Spend Christmas Eve in the Drunktank this year
Rolling Stones or Only a Mother – Mother’s Little helper
Mom’s on drugs, what’s more christmasy than that?
Rasputina – Gingerbread Coffin
Because gingerbread houses are for kids who don’t use their dollys for black mass
Tom Leher - Hanukah in Santa Monica
While there aren’t that many Hanukah songs, their batting average is way higher.
Richard Cheese – Holiday in Cambodia
The Dead Kennedy’s classic gets the full tilt holiday treatment
Only a Mother – How they Show Their Love
About families and force feedings
Ralph Carney – Solstice Time
Tom Waits’s horn player gives us a appropriately cheesy secular Christmas song dedicated to feasting and solar orbits.
Dan Bern – Jerusalem
Tired of waiting for the second coming? Dan Bern is your man.
Traditional - Korobeiniki
Better known in this country as that Tetris song. To me Russia means Christmas, because it’s snowy, and there are pine trees and the kremlin looks Christmassy, and even the big fur coats look christmassy. I bet that’s why Russians are so jolly
Mastodon – Linus and Lucy
A Charlie Brown Christmas goes Metal
Logan Whitehurst – Snowman and Me
The Ramones – Punk Rock Christmas and We’re a Happy Family
Babyland - Mini Mall
Industrial anti-mall rage
Momus – Old Friend, New Flame
The ultimate gift a friend can give you is his girlfriend
Nick Cave – Opium Tea
Between the call to prayer and the thinking of his children, I do believe this is a lonely junky’s Christmas.
Depeche Mode or Johnny Cash – Personal Jesus
Who knew you could play the same song for both cynicism and sincerity and have it work and rock both ways?
LL Cool J - Rock the Bells
So much better than jingle bell rock
Sleepytime Gorilla Museum – Sleepytime
Play this song to get your kids ready for beddy by and they’ll never forget it.
Leonard Cohen –Story of Isaac
What does god want for Christmas? Your son.
Tiger Lillies – Struwwelpeter
Good kids get pretty picture books for Christmas, bad kids get horribly disfigured.
Soul Coughing – Drunk on the Train to Chicago
Going home for the holidays is a great chance to get drunk on the way.
Primus – Toys go Winding Down
Totally Rad - Turtle Eggs and Mumblety Pegs

What Christmas Music Do You Reccomend?

This job affords me oppurtunities to do I know few others have experienced. For example, how many of you have ever ruined another human beings funeral?

It was over the summer, I was doing a series of Hearse jobs for a major family themepark out in a cemetery on the east side of LA. Pause there for a moment, what an incredible time we live in when an amusement park sets it’s commericals in a cemetery, a funeral home, and a crematorium. There slogan was something to the effect of “Live life like your gonna die, cause your gonna, (so go to our themepark)” and “Your working yourself to death! (go to our themepark)” I loved it.

So there we all were, out in the cemetery, our fake undertaker walking through rows of actual headstones with actual dead people underneath talking about death and ferriswheels. It’s always weird shooting in cemeteries because the studios can’t close them down. When somebody needs to be buried, they need to be buried and no Steven Spielberg or Michael Eisner can stop it.

So not 200ft from us was an actual honest to god funeral, like the kind we were joking about. Crying children, widow in black, the whole bit. It was awkward, but what can you do, both parties wouldn’t leave till the job was done.

Eventually the casket sunk into the ground and the funeral dispersed. A while later we wrapped up cemetery shooting and headed for the crematorium. Since the next scene was indoors, they didn’t need a hearse anymore. I was free to go.

Alone, in a cemetery driving a hearse. I could do anything. I could go anywhere, park anywhere, and no one would ask me what I was doing or if I belonged there. So with a little exploration, I found a turn of the century morgue in the basement of their chapel. Hardwood cooler doors, a grisly hack saw and bone grinder, and eerie chill. I was incredible. But, I had it on good word that the best sights were in the giant stone mausoleum.

So, cruising in my hearse through the narrow cemetery lanes I saw rising over the hill a giant mausoleum. Jackpot. But as I pulled closer I saw that in front of the mausoleum was a parking lot, and the funeral party from earlier was exiting the building and heading for their cars. I checked my mirrors, no way to turn around on those tiny streets, not without driving through someones tombstone anyway. I decided to go for it. I pulled quickly through the lot and reached the gate to the street. As I started to pull out I heard a honk. The first honk didn’t catch my notice, but the next 80 or so did. I checked my mirror again.

Oh, shit

The funeral party had formed a neat little parade behind me, and were now tapping their horns to stay together. I was the lead car.

I hijacked their motorcade.

I don’t know if I did the right thing after that (or before that for that matter). The DMV handbook doesn’t cover “What to do if you accidently hijack a funeral or police motorcade,” I’ve checked. So what would you do, pull over to the side of the road and wave them passed? Sure, that sounds good now, but I didn’t think of it then.

I tried to lose them. I hit the gas, slowed down for green lights, then rushed through on yellow, made wild turns without signaling, and did everything the Steve McQueen movies have taught me to do if I’m in a care chase and need to shake someone. I don’t know what they thought their hearse driver was doing, but they followed me halfway to downtown before someone figured out I was a crazy person and became the new leader of the motorcade.

Then, and only then, I pulled over.

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